Tears, Idle Tears
by Gdown94
Summary: She was a predator, not a savior – a monster, not a hero.  Her very style of kung fu was fueled by aggression.  She was incapable of saving anyone; she only wrought destruction.  Perhaps not the best summary.  K  for very slight violence.


**This is my second fan fic. I don't know if it is any good or not; I feel as though it is alright, but I'll leave that up to you. I'm somewhat ambivalent towards it, to be honest. I wrote the majority of this a while ago while I was somewhat depressed, and I suppose it shows. But hey, at least I didn't make it entirely sad. Anyway, it is what it is. The title is from Alfred, Lord Tennyson's poem "Tears, Idle Tears". The stanza in italics at the beginning is the first stanza of said poem. If you haven't read it, I suggest checking it out; it is a great poem. Anyway, here it goes. I hope you enjoy the ride, so to speak...**

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><p>Tears, Idle Tears<p>

_Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean,_

_Tears from the depth of some divine despair_

_Rise in the heart, and gather to the eyes,_

_In looking on the happy Autumn-fields,_

_And thinking of the days that are no more._

It was dark outside, the full moon making it's solemn trek across a sea of stars. Tigress was standing in her room, surveying her belongings. Having never really been one for collecting, or material possessions for that matter, her room was quite spartan. After a few moments, she stepped toward her dresser and set down her cup with a torn and bloodied paw. Tigress rarely drank sake – she had always felt that drinking alcohol was a sign of weakness – but today she made an exception. Physical pain wasn't enough this time; she needed something stronger to take the edge off of her hurt. Besides, she was running out of trees.

Tigress ran her eyes over the sparse paintings and other items on the wall. As a child, she had enjoyed decorating her room – in fact, it was one of her few pleasurable pastimes at the orphanage. The other orphans might cower, run, throw rocks at her as if she were a beast in a cage, but she could decorate her walls any however she pleased. No one judged her for it; the wall never ran, and there had been a certain pleasure in creating, as opposed to the destruction she inadvertently wrought. Tigress soon gave up the practice upon arriving at the Jade palace, though. It was a needless, juvenile distraction.

As she surveyed the wall, she soon came to a painting Po had made her. It depicted one of their sparring bouts, which she invariably won. He wasn't the greatest painter, but the gesture touched her – it was one of the few gifts she had ever received.

_Po..._

No one, save perhaps Master Shifu, had ever reached out to her before. Tigress had always thought of him as a friend after the he defeated Tai Lung, but unlike her other friendships this one always contained a specter of uncertainty. Whenever she had thought of Po, there was always a slight tingle mixed in with the familiar emotions one normally feels for a friend – a warm glow, as if she was bordering on a real sense of happiness or even more astonishing, security. It was this that always caught her off guard. Tigress could never explain why she felt this way; the emotion defied logic. She had always been extremely protective when it came to her friends, but for some reason this feeling was amplified in regards to Po. Suddenly, she remembered the fight in Gongmen city.

_The acrid stench of gunpowder filled her nose, so strong it threatened to shut down her other senses. She hit one of Shen's henchmen with a strong roundhouse, sending him flying off the scaffolding with a solid crack. Then, as more wolves rushed her, she saw Po, the sinister red glow of the forge just barely illuminating Shen standing before him on one of the weapons. Suddenly she was sprinting, the sinews of her body stretching to their extreme. She couldn't reach him in time. Powerless, she watched the ball take him flush in the stomach._

Tigress now knew he had survived. Still, the feelings of pain and hopelessness that confronted her were no less real. The sense of failure was the worst; an unbearable, crushing weight that bore down on her consciousness with inexorable malice. Tigress just missed him, missed pushing him to safety. However, she had come close enough to see the terrible look of resignation on his face, much like that of Shifu as he ordered them to leave the Valley. Accusing, condemnatory, it seemed to search her, blame her, plead with her, as if to ask, _why?_, but then forgiving her none the less_. _

Her failings caused his death; if she had only ran a few more laps, perhaps pushed herself a little harder in training, she could have saved him...

No. Who was she kidding? She was a predator, not a savior – a monster, not a hero. Her very style of kung fu was fueled by aggression. While she stood there, staring at the hole Po left in the wall, she realized that she was incapable of saving anyone; she only wrought destruction. _Everything I touch breaks..._

Tigress picked up another picture, this one Crane, running out of ideas for his art, drew of Po stuffing his mouth full of bean buns. Tigress chuckled slightly as she looked at the picture. They had all had a good laugh over the drawing. Po had found it especially humorous, falling out of his chair in his amusement. Tigress smiled, but didn't laugh. The others paid it no mind; she was the same, austere, unfeeling master. As they left for the training hall, Crane tossed the picture in the trash. No one noticed her grabbing it on the way out.

The joy was temporary, however, and the act only deepened her pain. She reached for her glass and took another drink.

Tigress was unsure if it was love, as she had never truly been in love before. To be frank, she had been afraid. To love another is to be close to them, to expose the core of one's being in such a way that it left one defenseless, and that very intimacy terrified her. Love left one vulnerable. Love left both sides vulnerable. She had loved her parents, and received naught but pain, fear, and a stream of recurring nightmares. She had loved Shifu, but had received only disappointment and an ever present dissatisfaction.

She couldn't do it. In the depths of her being, Tigress knew she was slowly tearing herself apart, but it was necessary; another rejection would destroy her. So she erected walls of stone, threw up a facade of impregnable austerity to protect her weak core. She locked her heart away until she forgot how to feel, or even that she had forgotten something. Every time she drew close to another she had been burned and hurt, so she distanced herself.

But then Po arrived and ruined years of hard work. One simple smile managed to shoot through years of defenses, rousing her heart to once more struggle against its bonds. Perhaps she had loved Po. A film of tears clouded her vision as a wave of pain coursed through her consciousness. If only she could tell him, had told him. It was too late now, though; yet another of her faults. Suddenly, she was swept away by a memory...

_Tigress was sitting under the peach tree of heavenly wisdom, staring up at the stars. She had gotten into the habit back at the orphanage. Like her wall, the stars listened to her without judging. They didn't see her as a monster. _

_Suddenly, she heard a panicked shuffle on the trail, revealing that someone was approaching at a rather fast pace. Soon, she saw the large figure of Po sprinting down the path with a pile of something in his hand and a cookie in his mouth. _

_As Po began approaching the tree, someone yelled "PO! GET BACK HERE!" Tigress sighed in amusement; apparently Monkey had caught Po stealing some of his almond cookies. _

"_Tigress, you've got to help me," Po said, hopping from one foot to the other. Tigress thought about it for a second – he DID take Monkey's cookies; perhaps facing the consequences would straighten him out a bit. In the end, however, she folded and pointed to a bush down the trail a ways. _

"_Oh thank you thank you." Po said as he dashed for the bush. Moments later, Monkey came sprinting down the trail, clearly agitated. _

"_Have you seen Po?" Monkey angrily stated. Tigress pointed towards the training hall, slightly irritated by his rude behavior. Monkey instantly dashed off in that direction. "YOU'RE DEAD, PANDA!"_

_After about five minutes or so, Po came out of the bushes and sat down next to Tigress. _

"_Thanks a lot for helping. I don't know what Monkey would have done..."_

_Silence._

"_Geez, I didn't know his temper was so bad."_

"_Why was he chasing you?"_

"_Oh, you know, nothing... I was just using his bo staff..." Po said feebly._

"_I see. The one that's just long enough to reach his stash of almond cookies?"_

"_Maybe..."_

"_Hmm..." A calm silence fell for a few moments._

"_So... nice night, right?"_

_Tigress didn't say anything._

"_How about training today? You looked great out there. I mean, the way you handled the course made the rest of us look like beginners."_

_Tigress remained silent. Po eventually gave up and stared at the inky sky. As the night advanced, Tigress felt a strange feeling descend on her, a queer sense of security, as though she could trust Po. Once she looked over at him, his large head aimed at the stars and a wry smile on his face. A sense of fear jolted her, the shock of adrenaline being dumped into her veins, along with an unfamiliar peace, as though all was right with the world._

Tigress threw the picture against the wall, tears beginning to blur her vision. Instantly, she regretted the action. _Everything I touch breaks._ Yet another reason she had to harden her heart. If only Po had known. Staring at the ruined picture, she was carried off by another memory.

_Tigress looked down at the ragged, bleeding mess of her paws; she gone a little longer with the ironwood trees today. Of course, it was only to make her better. Still, she couldn't seem to forget the nightmare she had last night, the same one she'd had last week. It was a burning building, always a burning building. The figure in the window changed, occasionally. Shifu, her mother, one of the five, whomever, she could never seem to reach them in time, was always a fingersbreadth away. This time it was Po. Reaching for the bandages above the stove, she heard footsteps coming from the hallway. Suddenly, said Panda burst into the room with an armful of vegetables. Pulling out a pan and a bucketful of water, he turned on the stove, meeting Tigress's gaze as he reached for a knife._

"_Oh, hey. I thought you guys were down in the village today."_

"_The others left. I stayed behind to practice the next scroll."_

"_C'mon, Tigress. You train hard enough; live a little." He said jovially. Tigress just shrugged; she had given up on his work ethic long ago. Po held out his paw as Tigress handed him another knife. His paw suddenly wrapped around hers, twisting it pad up as she dropped the knife._

"_What are you doing?" She exclaimed, brow furrowing in anger. _

_Po stared at her paw for a moment – she thought she saw a hint of sorrow in his eyes. "Tigress, you have to stop beating yourself up. At least do it for us. You know what the medicine woman said; if you don't be careful, you'll loose the use of you paw." The unadulterated concern written across his face melted the tirade she had prepared in those few moments. For some reason, perhaps no reason at all, tears began to cloud her vision. She turned around before the first drop fell._

_Po had noticed, though. Tigress felt a wide paw come to rest on her shoulder. The deluge came as she lost control, sobs wracking her frame. Po's arms wrapped around her, trying to give her some measure of comfort. _

"_It's okay," he said, trying to calm her. "I'm here for you. You're not alone." How did he know what to say? Shame suddenly overtook her, shame at breaking down, at loosing control, at showing weakness. She pushed his arms away and ran out the door... _

Her trance was broken by the sound of something moving in the hallway. Touching her cheek, she noticed her fur was damp. _When did I start crying? _Looking to her door, she noticed Viper, staring at her with a worried, sympathetic visage. Her eyes met the snake master's concerned gaze with anger.

"Go away." Tigress said in a shaky voice, turning around to stare at the wall. Viper noticed her claws digging into the dresser and the slight shaking in her shoulders. Her heart caught at the sight of her friend's battered paws.

"What's wrong?" Viper asked, genuine concern in her voice, despite knowing the answer. "You know you can talk to me."

"I said LEAVE!" Tigress roared, throwing her glass at Viper. The serpent dodged, surprised and hurt by the venom in her voice.

"He was our friend too." Viper said, quietly, as she left.

Tigress reached after her, instantly regretting her actions. It was too late, though; Viper was gone.

Angry at herself, at her failings, at the world itself, Tigress roared into the night. _Everything I touch breaks..._

Once again, she heard something coming down the hall. This time, it was the sound of footsteps approaching her door. Silencing the threat of tears, she tried to compose herself. Surprisingly, Master Shifu appeared at her door. The aged master stared in at his adopted daughter, hurt to see her in such a distraught state.

"Master, I-"

Shifu waved his hand, cutting her off as he stepped forward. "It's alright. I understand. We all miss him..." the grandmaster said, trailing off.

Tigress felt tears beginning to cloud her vision yet again. _No. Not now. _Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Tigress, it's okay."

"Master-" she said, loosing control. "Baba..." She blindly reached out to her father as he circled her in a tight hug, tears beginning to fall. Shifu did his best to comfort his daughter as she wept, sobs convulsing her frame. "Why?" she managed, between tears.

"I don't know," he said. "I don't know."

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><p><strong>So there it is. Again, I hope you enjoyed it. I'm actually feeling pretty good about this story now. It turned out alright. To those who may be irritated at the uncertainty, I left some plot aspects purposefully ambiguous (I think you know what I mean). I may resolve this in the future, possibly even in another story. Or I might not; you never really know. I'm an extremely busy person, so it may be a little while before I publish again. I have in mind an epicsaga that I've been planning for the last four months or so. **

**Anyway, if you enjoyed this story I highly suggest checking out some of these stories (which, by the way, may have had an influence on this one...):**

**Thanatopsis, by CKDrake (he may have changed his username). This one is one of my personal favorites, and I believe the best in this vein of writing. I really can't explain how good this story is; just read it. **

**Till We Sing You to Sleep, by CKDrake as well, is another wonderful story. Again, this is one of my personal favorites. **


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